Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
reduce, reuse, recycle
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: