@DearAuntAbby

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

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@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@TheWinegasm

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

@myonlymizztake

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

@Brampersandon_

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@eleniZarro

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

@GailSimone

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

@slyoung5

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

@Stealx

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar