Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

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[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too


There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.


15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race


GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something


I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol


They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.


To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.


Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar