Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician