Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
So sick of all these stupid rules
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I identify as an antique shop.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are