“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”