@DartsBofficial

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

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@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@JerseyRambo

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

@i_Lean

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

@bumlaser

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

@HeatherLuvsYou

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

@NikiWithIssues

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.