“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.


I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying


“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.


Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.


Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*


Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.


Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.


Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”


“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.