Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
had to share :’)
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
groan^2
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao