Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.