Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
This why you should mind your business
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.