Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
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Only Americans understand
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
A short story of betrayal:
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.