Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
You Might Also Like
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken