just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Hamburger Hinderer.