Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.