Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Day 2 of my diet

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this