Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
calling in to work dehydrated
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.