Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.