Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.