Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead