Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: do you want to go out?
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque
[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.