@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

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@TheHyyyype

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@Laser_Cat

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

@Tharin_P

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

@ehdannyboy

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

@BlindChow

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

@WheelTod

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar