Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.