Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent


Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.


If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.


“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.


The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.


To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar