Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.