Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Who.
Did.
This?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.