Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
omg leave her alone
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.