Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.