Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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X-tra spooky blend
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.