Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes