Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA: