Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.