Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
You Might Also Like
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs