Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Please do it!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that