Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Breaking news:
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period