Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
You Might Also Like
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Welcome
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
s
oc
i
a
l