Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.