Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance