Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
You Might Also Like
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
it’s finally my moment to shine
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Britain be like
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place