Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
When I pack too much for a short trip.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!