Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.


Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”


Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.


Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December


I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.


I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.


At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground


Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.


Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.