@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

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@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@krystaunclear

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

@Darlainky

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

@SarahSurgey1

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

@AmericanGent69

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.