Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig