Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no