Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

when nothing goes right… go left

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.