“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.