Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

But is it really??

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

What the hell is going on?

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong