Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭