Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I was bored.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
what does he know…
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Made something I’m not proud of
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away