Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Breaking news:
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space