@gerryhatric

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

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@isabelzawtun

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@MitchBenn

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

@BossChick2North

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

@envydatropic

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

@mattytalks

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

@eborg01

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.