Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.