just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
listen closely
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.