Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Cheers Twitter.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”