Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The honesty is refreshing
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I wish this was real life…
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”