Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.