@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

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@imdaintyaf

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@iwearaonesie

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

@Clanopath

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.