Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
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me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
#winning
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
pep talk
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Finally!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?