Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I am crying
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.