Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON